Let’s Ditch the “If Only”s

I admit, I have said those words. It might have even come out of your mouth at some point: “If only … (insert situation here) hadn’t happened, we would be much better off financially.” I meet a lot of women who – like me – carry the burden of a heavy “if only … ”

• “If only our house had sold.”
• “If only I hadn’t lost my job.”
• “If only my child hadn’t become ill.”
• “If only he were still alive.”

For many of us, the “if only”s are situations we could not control, and we can’t prevent them from happening again. But if we are being honest with ourselves,  we know it is a totally unproductive statement. It’s really just fodder for a pity party, which may be useful once or twice. But carrying that disdain around with us as we move forward only serves to slow us down.

Photo credit: Coley Christine

A more productive way to move forward is to replace an “If only” with a more courageous — even wishful —  “What if?”

• “What if our house sells in the next few months? How much better off will we be?”
• “What if my next job is one where I can really use my gifting?”
• “What if I can finally afford to pay all of my child’s medical bills?”
• “What if I can return to life as a functioning human being, without my spouse, but I still remember him in my heart and carry parts of him with me in all I do?

None of these questions are easy, but they help us reframe our current situations as we boldly allow ourselves to hope.

As a financial coach, it’s my job to help those with “If onlys” to get back on your feet. But to get to that point financially, two things need to happen. First, the timing needs to be right. Some seasons call for us to just be still, or to just mourn, or to just reflect. Secondly, we need to get our emotions in the right place before we can make strides in financial wellness. You can’t become financially well if you approach money from a position of negativity (“I will never have what I need,”) or unrealistic expectations (“I’ll feel better if I just go buy something.”)

My first priority with new clients is discussing the emotions we bring to our financial lives. Only after we approach money issues with a healthy outlook will we be able to become financially well. The first step is refusing to remain angry with the past and instead approaching your situation with hope.