On Denial

It’s time to get personal.  I am extremely open when it comes to discovering my weaknesses and trying to do something about them.  But when I heard about Geneen Roth’s book, Lost and Found, I felt the premise pushing me to learn about an area of my personality I prefer to deny exists.

You can read more about the book in my post, Let’s Get Talking, but essentially Roth discovered that her relationship with food was also very similar to her relationship with her money.

In my own life, I had endured 5 years of intense caretaking for a sick child who had stabilized with age.  I finally had a moment to take a deep breath and take inventory of myself. And the picture was not good.  In that same 5 years I had only slept through the night 10 times, and the lack of sleep detracted from my physical and emotional health.  I had many bizarre illnesses over those years and somewhere along the line, I stopped eating what my body needed because it simply required too much effort. I was that tired, and as a type-A control freak who endured years of unpredictability with my son’s health, my inability to relax made eating even harder.  There was nothing systemically wrong, I had just been taking care of everyone but me.

Do you know a woman like that? She does an excellent job of caring for others, but it comes at a price to her own self-care.  Our intentions are honorable, but if enough time passes, we find ourselves unable to care for ANYBODY.

So when Roth’s book suggested that my relationship with food (where I had only eaten the minimum to get to the next meal) was similar to my relationship with money (where I only spent the bare minimum, a tendency I had long before our medical bills were piled high), I went as far as buying the book.  But I didn’t read it. Denial was an easier option for me.  I could not bear the thought that my financial tightwadliness (Yes, I made up a word. Had to be done…) had infested my actual appetite and my health was suffering as a result. So the book sat on my shelf for years before I gathered up the courage to read it.

I’m glad I did.  It is replete with brilliant discoveries (detailed here). In shedding some light on that dark place in my relationship with money, I am now aware of my tendencies.  My default point of view is one of scarcity.  In my head, I know that’s untrue.  Plenty is a word I try to use, and I work hard to eradicate “enough” from my vernacular.  But that is the ground zero where I begin the battle to see my world more positively.  Without acknowledging my starting point, how can I possibly change my outlook or my behaviors?

How about you? Go ahead. Take a step away from denial and instead walk toward self discovery. That first step is the hardest one. But when you pull your head out of the sand, you may be surprised at how pleasant the weather is above ground.